Thursday, July 14, 2005

Worst songs ever

I am about to step into what I hope is a sensitve subject: What are the 5 worst songs of all time? Now I know that any list of top anything is highly subjective. But let me just state that my opinions trump the rest of yours, and if you disagree you obviously are doing too many whippets and should seek help.

I should define exactly what a bad song is. A bad song is not simply one you don't like listening to. A bad song is an ICC (Instant Channel Changer). A song so annoying that you would rather staple your lips to your forehead than listen to a single note of it. Now I am sure at one point or other the artists who made these songs were struck by what they considered a Muse leading them to this gem. They were wrong. It was not a muse. It was the devil. Or a record producer.

So here is my list and why:
5) Britney Spears: Not Yet a Woman. And yet very much a terrible song. Every moment is agony. Stick to wearing skin tight red outfits or munching cheetos barefoot and don't get all philosophical.

4) Grateful Dead: Touch of Grey. Every moment of this song is bad. Stick to 20 minute long dope addled guitar solos for twirling, doped up dorks.

3) Starship: We Built this City. I admit it, the first time I heard this I thought it was catchy. The second time I wanted to cry.

2) B-52s: Love Shack. Now the B-52s are great. But this song is the most overplayed, mindless piece of music ever. Every friggen wedding I went to in the past decade has played this and God help me the DJs are even adding props (fake wigs, etc). For the good of humanity, this has to be stopped.

Worst Song Ever:
There is a tie here. Loverboy's Working for the Weekend and Bryan Adam's All For Love from the Robin Hood soundtrack.

Loverboy is a good band. Modern Day Delilah, Hot Girls in Love, Loving Every Minute Of It, Notorius. All great songs. And yet this one has the worst lyrics ever. And you hear it every friggen friday.

Now Robin Hood single handedly ruined several careers. Kevin Coster, he of Dances with Wolves, Fandango and Untouchables greatness, was the worst Robin Hood ever. Christian Slater has never recovered. And Brian Adams was emasculated with one simple song. Instead of Macbeth being the cursed theatre term, it should Robin Hood. This song is cloying to the point of making people suicidal.


At 7:43 AM, Anonymous The Pessimist said...

I would have to disagree with some, but you've hit several of the worst.

However, a song that digs into my spine and begs for the sweet. sweet silence of death is 'Tusk.'

Also in the running HAS to be "Mony, Mony." why, why do we still play this at weddings? is it just so that we can scream obsenities out loud under the ruse that they are "part of the song" and then snicker like school girls?

At 9:53 AM, Blogger Ashley Gags said...

All I have to say is "Walk like an Egyptian" by the Bangles (Even though they are great band this song is the worst thing I have heard). It was bad the first time I heard and it sucks now!!

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Tom F said...

I'll have to put in a vote for Lionnel Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling" as one of the most inane, all time worst songs.

Also anything by Billie Ocean. That 80's R&B "Pop Lite" period was excuciating.

At 2:50 PM, Blogger Adam Zand said...

You spin my round round baby right round like a record baby round round


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