Thursday, February 01, 2007

An open letter to Sarah Silverman


Dear Sarah: my name is Dave (not my real name). I don’t know much about you, but what I do know, I like.

That being the case, I would like to take this opportunity to ask you on a date. I think we have a lot in common and would hit it off.

I enjoy a woman who’s not afraid to speak her mind. I loved “Jesus Is Magic,” your recently released comedy movie, because it demonstrated your strong sense of humor and your sturdy intellect. You touched on AIDS, teenage pregnancy, the current political landscape and your vagina with sensitivity, intelligence and thought-provoking commentary. I, too, am deeply concerned about these topics.

I must admit, while I hold your obvious intelligence and sensitivity in high esteem, my motives for meeting are somewhat based on your good looks. I love your dark hair, your dark eyes, your slender neck, your pert, sparkling-clean breasts, your curved torso and your long legs. I haven’t seen them (yet), but I bet your feet are cute, too.

I know you’re currently involved with some comedian guy who has a show on at 2:30 in the morning, when the only people watching are the criminally insane and the chronically unemployable, but I feel I am the better man. As an example, I am a musician. I have toured the country and have met such celebrities as the guy who used to play Urkel and one of the Brady kids. I am not up to your level of star power, of course, but if we bump into any of your Hollywood friends on our way to dinner before we burn off those calories together, I could smile and relate.

I know you’ll be busy with your new television show, which I’ll be watching, but I hope you take time to consider my offer.

I’m looking forward to your response. I just love a woman who lets it all hang out.

Sincerely,

Dave

3 Comments:

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Adam Zand said...

Wow, two creepy posts in a row. Care to comment on the big porno case the Austrians broke this week?

When I'm flustered, I tend to rely on Howard Stern. Here are highlights from Sarah's amazing interview...

NOT THE TYPICAL PORN WATCHER
Sarah Silverman stopped by, and Howard told her he thought her new sitcom, “The Sarah Silverman Program,” was funny based on the two episodes he’d seen. After playing a clip from the show of Sarah talking to God after having sex with him, Sarah admitted she and her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, sometimes watched porn before they made love. Sarah added she watched porn strictly to pleasure herself, while Jimmy preferred pornos with plots. Sarah went on to say she considered herself “manly,” and that Jimmy was the one in the relationship who cooked and bought Christmas presents for people on their behalf.

TOO WRONG FOR MIDNIGHT
Sarah acknowledged she didn’t like the fact that the word “retard” had been taken out of a song she sang on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” yesterday, and Howard said that’s how he used to feel everyday when he was on terrestrial radio. Upon hearing the censored version of the song, Sarah commented she wished the show’s producers would’ve at least just beeped out the word instead of completely taking out all the audio – included the song’s music – and questioned why the word “retarded” was taken out of a program that aired after 12:30 a.m.

IN NEED OF A HOLE
Howard turned back to the topic of Sarah’s porn watching, but she said she didn’t want to talk about it. This led to a discussion about Jimmy’s penis, with Sarah reporting the hole in it started “healing” at one point “because it thought it was a cut,” and that the condition had to be repaired with the insertion of “metal rods.” When Howard noted he couldn’t picture Jimmy and Sarah having sex because of how smart she was, which she responded to by saying she acted “more womanly” during love making.

CELEBRITIES AND THEIR WORD GAMES
Sarah acknowledged she played Scrabble on the Internet all the time, and that one of her most frequent opponents was Alyssa Milano. Sarah then mentioned she and Alyssa lived in the same building and that she introduced Alyssa to the game. Sarah also admitted she considered herself “a nerd” because of the fact she and Alyssa chose to play Scrabble on their laptops even though they lived “10 feet apart.”

SOUNDING OFF ON HER VOICE
Howard proceeded to play another clip from “The Sarah Silverman Program,” which caused Sarah to say she hated her voice. Howard responded by joking that he found Sarah’s voice annoying as well, but Robin assured her that she felt her voice in the clips was an act and not the way she sounded this morning.

DARK, BUT NOT THAT DARK
Sarah reported Nicole Richie lived in her apartment building as well, but added she, Jimmy, Alyssa and Nicole were the only famous people who resided there. Sarah then commented she and Jimmy had no plans of gettng married because they didn’t care about such formalities, and that she would never have “a vagina baby,” so that wasn’t a concern of hers. Sarah added, though, that she’d consider adopting a child – preferably “something brown” – and brought up that she had two adopted black nephews, who she called the “heroes” of her family. As Howard questioned how dark Sarah would want her adopted kids to be, she replied, “Robin or lighter,” and that she wanted her kids to be “black in culture but brown in color.”

HAIR ALL OVER THE PLACE
Sarah admitted she had a lot of hair on body, which she said was one of the reasons she didn’t wear thongs very often. This led Howard to say he’d noticed in the past that Sarah had hair on her arms as well, and advised her to wax them to be “more feminine.” Sarah went on to say she also had hair on her thighs – which she shaves, but that she “lucked out” in terms of not having a moustache. Sarah next acknowledged she had hair on her stomach and toes, and it was because of this that Jimmy sometimes

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger DougH said...

Rob, a coupe of things:

1) You are heading for a Jimmy Kimmel beat down

2) What happened to your obsession with all celebrities named Jessica (Alba, Biel, Simpson, et al)? I think Ms. Silverman should know about this before agreeing to a long walk on the beach or whatever you have in mind.

 
At 7:22 AM, Blogger thoughtbrigade said...

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